Life Lately and My Shift of Perspective

Sorry for my lack of posting lately. My mind has been going in a bunch of different directions. It has been hard to focus. I am going to attempt to catch you up on life. There has been a lot going on, and I will admit, as much as I try to keep it all together and fight for joy in the midst of overwhelming circumstances, I do break every now and then. Tuesday was one of those nights for me. I was feeling weary and burdened and pretty much vomited up my emotions all over my husband. He is so good at listening and asking those hard questions that get me thinking. How does he always stay so calm? Always.

This time of year should be "the most wonderful time for the year," right? Well, shopping for gifts stresses me out (maybe it's because I put too much thought into every single present and search 20+ sites for the exact same item looking for the very best deal). My decision making skills are quite horrible. Anyhow, I love giving, but I loathe shopping (which may just explain my "bummish" look all the time). And, celebrating Christmas away from where we actually live makes things even trickier. You have to take into consideration how all these presents are going to get from point A to point B. I wish I could say that I have thoroughly enjoyed my Christmas shopping and that it has put me in the best of Christmas spirits, but it has done quite the opposite.

And, to take on this task - that I clearly make bigger than it should be - while trying to school my children is not a good combination. You see, not only does the task of shopping become big, but every error my kid makes and every disruption that God allows becomes real big too. Then my attitude and my "I can't do this anymore" feelings become biggest of all! They trump all and put me in a sad place.

It's funny how one day I can be full of faith and 2 days later be a mess.

I mentioned disruption in my last paragraph. Well, they have been as plentiful as my shopping headaches and my homeschool frustrations. And, I guess disruptions were really the START to my "not so routine life" and my "crazy feelings" lately. I don't know about you, but I like routine and schedule and when things get way off track, I feel frazzled. I know ONE of the beauty's of homeschooling is the flexibility. You have the ability to be able to rearrange your schedule to 1) enable you to serve and bless others when needed and 2) to take care of things that need immediate attention. I am thankful for this. But, often times, instead of remembering how much of a blessing homeschooling is and instead of being grateful for the opportunity I have to educate my children and teach them about God, I start feeling condemnation for not getting our entire lesson plan complete each day and in the proper order. I start feeling like a failure and that I am doing a disservice to my kids. I am not giving any grace to myself. None. I think I experience these feelings each year at least once, but for some reason, they seem more numerous and more debilitating this year and during this busy holiday season particularly.

Maybe it's because these disruptions aren't just minor (like getting locked out of the car or having to take my hubby his lunch because he forgot it), but major! And, they are combined with the major adjustments of moving. We started the school year with Carter in the hospital and we still have not found an answer to his illness. We have lots of doctor appointments and lab visits. The Monday after Thanksgiving my beloved Nanny was in a 7 car accident that easily could have taken her life. I flew home to help care for her for a few days. My Dad has a herniated disk in his back that is causing numbness in both legs to the point where he can barely walk. And, my Mom-in-love is battling a rare infection and severe back pain. It is hard not to be home to help care for these people that I love so much.

So as you can see, my thoughts are very split. It's hard for me to devote all my attention and energy to one thing right now, and therefore, it's nearly impossible to give my best to anything. And, for those of you who know me well, I am a perfectionist. I don't like settling for anything less than the best. My expectations are always set high. Again, no grace.

All of this to say, I'm coming around. LOL. My kids have never failed and, in fact, are advanced in some areas. God is at work changing me. He always is. I don't want you to feel sorry for me one - single - bit. I really am doing better than I deserve to be doing. I am thankful for so much today! Thank you God for sending your Son to die on the cross for my ugly sins. For taking the wrath that I deserve upon yourself. For choosing me. For saving me. For promising me eternal life in heaven with you where there will be no more pain, no more sorrow, no more crying, no more tears. For loving me despite my doubting, my pitty parties, my sinful attitudes. Thank you that your grace is new each and every morning. Help me to find rest and hope in that truth because your promises never fail. Be my strength Lord when I am weak - Cor 12:9 "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me." Thank you for blessing me with the gift of children. There are families tonight that don't have their kid's sitting beside them. Help me, Lord, to be overwhelmed by your love, grace, and mercy instead of by my feelings. Thank you, Lord, for your faithfulness! Help me never to forget that my greatest need has been met, help me to turn to you when my feelings start to take over, and help me, Lord, to never ever take for granted or complain about all that you've given to me. I know you can take it at any time.

I pray that, in light of today's events in CT, that your perspectives are changed too.... for the better!